FWIW, I hate acronyms.

No, this is not an anti-texting rant. Had it been so, that opening line would have read: “FWIW, I h8 acronyms.” Using abbreviations when texting makes sense. Typing fewer characters is not just convenient, it can save money.  Have at it, I say. Give those thumbs a reason for their opposition. 👍

What bothers me are unnecessary acronyms. From congressional bills, military operations, business metrics, government agencies, or sports statistics, acronyms have become the product, not the by-product.  Words are painstakingly strung together for the sole purpose of creating a catchy acronym.

Consultant-Rendered-Attention-Provocations. CRAP

What can one do about it?  Good question.  At first, I thought about waging a WAR.  I tried, but everyone thought I was discussing baseball (Wins-Above-Replacement.) 

Of course, had I contemplated a real military campaign my advisors would have insisted I create a pithy name first, like Operation ACRONYM. Too late. Congress beat me to that one with its Accountability-and-Congressional-Responsibility-On-Naming -Your-Motions bill of 2015.

Why am I not surprised?

Oh well. Bellicose responses are seldom the best choice, so I decided to WRITE letters expressing my views about this acronym epidemic.  All I received for my efforts was a response from the Writing-Reform-Institute-for-Teaching-Excellence asking if I needed ESL assistance. I hadn’t even requested an RSVP!  Certainly not one as insulting as that.  You’d think I had questioned the merits of the PATRIOT (Provide-Appropriate-Tools-Required-to-Intercept-and-Obstruct-Terrorism) Act of 2001.

Come to think of it, I had.

So, now, I’m resigned to the abbreviated, new world order. Gone are the days when acronyms evolved organically, rather than being crafted to achieve a specific output. SNAFU will never happen again. It became accepted slang after entering common usage, not visa versa. Today, it’s different. Linguistic KPIs have changed. Data-Are-the-Masters-Nowadays: Information-Technology for Algorithms-Lobbyists-and-Lawmakers. DAMN IT ALL.

Peter Dragone - Co-founder of Keurig.